I approach narrative verse a little differently from lyrical verse, feeling that, since it is so long and requires a great deal of exposition, more clumsiness is permitted. Even so, I didn't find the verses you quoted to be particularly clumsy, especially the first verse. Nonetheless, some of it has a pedestrian quality which is inelegant. I like elegance.
Later tonight I'll post an example of clumsy Hardy verse -- a short poem, and not so dramatic as that.
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