I agree that the stanza breaks seem a distraction and that at least one rhyme -- "skin / in" -- is a lost opportunity, but getting rid of the breaks would also take some of the emphasis off the weak rhyme.
The line "The room flickering from its dying light" is either too profound for me to grasp or is jumbled. Should "from" be "in" or "with"? Or maybe my problem is with "flickering," which seems a lightweight word to describe the dying person's vision.
For all that, the transformation, even transfiguration of slow death comes through powerfully.
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