I like the content and subject of this one, but there's also some work to be done. In L3 "we two stand" sounds very awkward to my ear. Indeed, the passive voice is used a lot in this sonnet ("too see among the stars a light") and it detracts from any possible immediacy. Some of the metrical inconsistencies are a bit too clumsy to be substitutions, in my view. Does L6 really need the "have"? Could L7 have something other than "missiles" to keep the meter intact? "Far and high" in L13 seems padded to me. Oh, and a minor grammatical nit: the comma should be inside the quotation marks in L11.
Again, I like where this is headed, but I think the voice needs to become more active and some more attention needs to go toward the structure and feel.
"Heart-deep shiver" is a great image, by the way. Very evocative, and I'd love to see more of that in this sonnet.
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