[Brian Allgar]

Some years ago, my doctor said: “You know, you really oughter
Drink less.” Since then, I’ve never touched a single drop - of water.
But gin and brandy, ale and shandy, whisky, rum, and porter:
I’ll drink the lot, by tot or shot, by snifter or by snorter.

And as for wine, from plonk to fine, there’s red and white and bubbly,
There’s Cotes du Rhone, there’s Chablis, Beaune, and Claret (lovely jubbly!),
From France or Spain, from hill or plain, from chalky soil or rubbly ...
Making this list, I’m halfway pissed, already seeing doubly!

Although there’s water in them all, the alcohol dilutes it.
(But tell me, why is sherry ‘dry’? Liquidity refutes it.)
Well, here we are, up at the bar, no ‘muzak’ that pollutes it;
A friendly pub with simple grub, the kind of nosh that suits it.

Some bread and cheese? They’ve tasty Bries, and Pecorino Sardo.
The barmaid here is such a dear, although no Brigitte Bardot.
Your round, old sport. I’m fond of Port, but hate that dismal Fado,
So cheers, mate, this’ll wet my whistle - Dry Amontillado.