[Brian Allgar]

Oh well, Jayne, noblesse oblige - I wouldn't want you to have bumped the thread for nothing. (Does anyone know if The Oldie allows pseudonyms?)

I had to call the Water Board - my taps were spouting newts.
The man turned up, to my alarm, encased in welly boots.
I soon found out the reason as he ‘Blast’-ed and he ‘Bloody’-ed;
A spanner here, a hammer there, and everywhere was flooded.

I told him scathingly that I had just installed new parquet.
“I’m sorry, guv, it can’t be ’elped - no call for getting sarky.
I got me job to do, and that means everything gets wetter;
It ’as to get much worse, you see, before it can get better.”

The chap was stuck beneath the sink, complaining of the headroom.
The newts were gaily swimming round the kitchen and the bedroom;
My tabby cat was eyeing them with speculative relish,
But I had never had a day so absolutely hellish.

At last he said “Can’t do no more, you’ve got a nasty leak;
I’ll ’ave to order in some parts, they should arrive next week.”
“And what am I supposed to do? I’m up to here in mire!”
“Just leave the windows open, guv - in time, it may get drier.”