Hi Graham,
For starters, I'd definitely lose the 'you see' in L2; it's regarded as the classic quick-fix of the novice poet, if you'll forgive me for saying so. I'm sure you can find a better 'ee' rhyme.
I haven't got time to offer any more than that, sorry, as I'm struggling with a few bits of my own entry for another D & A comp! (It's the 'picnic' contest for the New Statesman and the deadline's looming.)
Good luck.
Jayne