[Brian Allgar]

... and a few suitably idiotic ideas.

Cricket: Replace cricket balls by hand grenades. The winning team is the one with the most players still standing.

Croquet: Replace the mallets by flamingos and the balls by hedgehogs. This won’t actually speed up the game, but will give it a pleasing literary dimension.

Rifle competitions: Replace the standard target with a cardboard cutout of George W. Bush. Competitors will shoot faster and more accurately.

Swimming marathons: Empty the pool. Those that still try to dive in will be knocked out. The others will just have to run along the bottom of the pool.

Boxing: Lead with your left and lead with your right. With all that lead in your gloves, it should be over in one round.

Bridge: Whenever you Trump your opponents, Donald will send you 0.001% of his income.

Washington Post Competitions: In future, all losers who aren’t winners will have to send the Empress $5 per dismal entry. This should make the Empress’s job either a lot easier, or a lot more profitable.


P.S. to Roger. We were both wrong about my unprintable 'knobs' limerick, which ended up winning the "Scarlet Letter". Pat assured me that it's really hard to make her blush.