I agree with Maryann that, as I would say it, this review could use a little bit of vermouth to smooth the reading.
These lines jump out from the point of view of craft.
What sacred instinct did inspire
My soul in childhood with a hope so strong?
What secret force moved my desire
To expect my joys beyond the seas, so young?
I have a problem with the last line of this stanza. It is something that would be brought up if posted by a writer to Eratosphere. It’s the kind of mistake or, at the very least, breach of best usage that a lot of us has committed in working and re-working our translations on the translation board here. It is almost a rookie mistake.
To expect my joys beyond the seas, so young? Were it not for the comma one might read that the “seas” are “so young.” If you hear this line and not see it on the page, what assumption would you make?
As I read this, Traherne wants to rhyme with “strong” but to do that he sacrifices syntactical integrity as if English were inflected the way ancient Greek and Latin are. The intervening phrase “beyond the seas” too far separates the noun “joys” from its modifier “young.” I think it’s a misuse of language that resorts to mere punctuation. Or is this a convention that I’m picking up on? I wonder if Donne had “done” this.
So, if, uh hem, Traherne were to submit this poem for critique on Eratosphere, what might we suggest to improve this line?
How about: To expect beyond the seas my joys so young?
Now one might say that with “expect” modified by the adverb “beyond” means “when I’m beyond the seas (that is, very far away) I expect my so youthful joys.” If so, I believe it less a violation than when we are expected to make a semantic leap to ensure that “seas” doesn’t go with “young,” especially if I’m hearing it. I believe with the rewrite the reader would make the leap that it means “to expect [that] beyond the seas [are] my joys so young.”
Don
|