[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4254
Set by Leonora Casement
We asked for the facts of life as explained by an entirely inappropriate (named) person. For example: a politician, an army officer, a celebrity chef or another of your choice . . .

This week’s winners
What an absolutely stunning bag of entries. We were so proud of you all. A couple of early queries made us worry – asking what we meant by “named” and whether it meant a named profession (“A celebrity chef speaks . . .”), which would have produced a very dull, not to say odd, answer. Thank goodness no one else thought the same. This week’s winners get £25 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to G M Davis. Hon menshes to: Bill Greenwell (Lord Sugar), Charles Curran (P M Roget) and Michael Birt (Ann Widdecombe). Brian D Allingham gets a fiver . . .

David Icke
You’ll be told that human sexual reproduction requires the fertilisation of ova by spermatozoa and that this normally occurs through intromission. The foetus develops in the uterus and, about nine months later, it pops out through the vagina. That’s what they want you to believe, of course. Think about it. Is it really credible? If we tear aside the mystifying veil of “scientific” knowledge, we find other forces at work. It is exactly in the throes of copulation, when the acute, questioning mind is submerged in sensual pleasure, that the secret drivers of the universe have their opportunity to implant their own spawn – creatures resembling humans physically but with an alien consciousness attuned to seeking control and domination. Thus the fairy tale of true love and the growth of the family is perpetuated, enhancing the grip of the Anunnaki through a humanoid global elite.
G M Davis

Jamie Oliver
Now, you may have heard the expression “up the duff” – or possibly “bun in the oven”. These phrases have something to do with what happens when things get a bit overheated between a man and a woman. It’s a bit like toad in the hole: man sausage, woman batter. You whack the one in the other, agitate a bit and bingo! Nine months later, out it comes, the finished product. Of course, if you cooked toad in the hole that long, you’d have a cinder but that’s not how nature works. You see, a baby has to have time to mature. It’s like a marinade. There it sits in a kind of juice, soaking up all the goodies from its mum, and, when it comes out, it’s delicious – well, no, it’s beautiful. I would suggest that you serve it in a nice crib, garnished with fluffy blankets.
Katie Mallett

Jeremy Clarkson
Average speed of a sperm as itmoves off? Twenty-eight milesper hour. Twenty-eight! What kind of girlie speed is that? Is it a Toyota Yaris or something?! Mind you, zero to 28 in a fraction of a second is some acceleration. And you have to admit that a sperm’s sleek, streamlined body does have something of the new Porsche Cayenne Turbo or even the Ferrari 458 Italia about it. Perfect for cornering round those Fallopian tubes . . . Ah, yes, the Fallopian tubes. That’s when things really slow down. Five minutes to get to the cervix and 72 hours to find an egg. It’s like you’re racing down the M4, then suddenly you get stuck behind two bloody caravans hogging the road all the way to Bristol. Just don’t be surprised to hear the sperm muttering some choice – and might I say appropriate – language in those circumstances.
David Silverman

Jeremy Paxman
Come off it, it’s a perfectly simple question, so I’ll ask you again: how many times a day do you masturbate? . . . You don’t at all? You don’t even know what masturbation is? Are you mad? Are you seriously asking me to believe that you don’t know what “wanking” is and you have never indulged in it yourself? It’s quite simple, really. I’m talking about self-abuse. Do you or do you not know what that is? So answer the question: how many times a day – oh, very well then, since you refuse to answer that question, how about this one: how many women have you “shagged”? . . . You don’t have the figures to hand? It does look as if I’ll have to explain about the birds and the bees and I’m sure neither of us wants that . . . Do we? No. Anyway, thanks very much for coming in.
Josh Ekroy

Virgin Mary
First of all, you are contacted by an angel. He or she will inform you to expect a happy event . . . What follows is a bit disappointing by comparison. Indeed, it is hard, at first, to realise that anything very much has happened at all . . .
Brian D Allingham

Bill Greenwell gets an hon mensh.

My apologies for posting this so much later than usual. During this first week of A Christmas Carol, we've been doing morning performances for busloads of students. That has done a number on my usual schedule. Also, my Internet access is a bit hit and miss in this area. So I can't promise I won't keep you waiting next week, even without a Thursday morning show. I'll do what I can.