[Douglas G. Brown]

I know I ought to be more altruistic;
But, in my heart, I'm grimly realistic.
The resolutions that I made last year
Have come to naught again, I'll tell you here:

My tax return was still a work of fiction.
The jokes I laughed at stir up ethnic friction.
I never did adopt a shelter puppy,
And called my son-in-law a frigging yuppie.

Asparagus and kale weren't in my diet;
If whiskey was in soy-milk, I might try it.
Poetically, I plagiarized the dead;
And Britney Spears, I still would love to bed.

I didn't give a dime to PBS ...
And think I did some drugs to slight excess.
Tonight, I'll pledge to be a better person ...
But, twelve months hence, you'll only find a worse'un.