[Douglas G. Brown]

If you have clothed a wife in lavish raiment
And never griped a bit at the expense;
If you have made a monthly mortgage payment
On a cottage with a whitewashed picket fence;

If you have left your buddies playing poker,
To drive her to some women’s racquet club;
And on the way, you had to gently stroke her
Fragile ego (for at tennis she’s a dub);

If you have been around her youngest sister
(Who rivals the most stunning movie star),
And never fantasized that you had kissed her
Or groped her in the back seat of a car;

If you have held your tongue while her dear mother
Harangues you on the stupid things you do -
Then you’re a better Man than me - and Brother,
Thank Heaven, I have fobbed her off on you.