Charlotte - By the way, many thanks for the compliment! I like your T. Foyle take. Quite imaginative.
Besides those lines Mary mentioned, I think Line 13 sounds a bit crammed to my ear. But I have no good ideas on how to fix it without marring the subtlety of the line. I tend to pronounce "hired" with two syllables, so that makes the line have six beats. Or I could say it as one syllable, and then say "but he died" as an anapest. That seems to work.
I don't think either of those 3 lines are really that much of a problem metrically, though. Conforming exactly with the meter in a metronomic fashion is not what poetry is really about, is it?
Regarding titles, I know there are not needed, but I think a poem looks odd without one. Are you planning to send yours in with the title? I'm curious what folks have been doing in that regard.
Brian - I've been reading yours, too, and have been enjoying them.
Martin
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