Very interesting, but I don't think you necessarily have improved on the original.
Here's an improvement on the original:
On first looking into Chapman’s Homer
(with apologies to John Keats)
I’d never read Chapman before
and felt like that sky-watcher (Moore);
or those blokes on a peak
who weren’t able to speak,
being gobsmacked by all that they saw.
(Prompted by a debate on the need for brevity in poetry.)
|