"As I sit down to write these memoirs, I can but reflect that those who hold this volume in their hands will be doing so in order to lay it down as a doorstop, or, if the book is thin enough, to slide it underneath the short leg of an annoyingly wobbly table. And somewhere in this reflection lies a metaphor, the suggestion that an empty life can attain a measure of practical utility through the very process of writing it down. To begin: Ever since I was a boy, I never understood the popularity of pizza. I sort of like it, mind you, but most people seem to like it way more than I do, which is funny, since I do like bread, cheese and tomatoes. My wife thinks it's the salt, but that makes no sense since I enjoy olives."
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