[Rob Stuart]

When the coconut snout we rejoiced in went out
Of production three decades ago,
Could the PC brigade really claim their crusade
Against smoking had worked? Frankly no.

Oh they highlighted threats in the sweet cigarettes
We enjoyed in the playground all right,
And made serious gripes about liquorice pipes,
Which they sought to abolish outright,

But the craze simply died. Though the do-gooders tried
To take credit we’d just had enough.
Childish appetites jade; kids’ affections were swayed
By the coming of much harder stuff.

Now its marzipan smack, rocks of butterscotch crack
And amphetamine toffees in bags.
I’m not saying a bong made of chocolate is wrong,
But I do find I miss candy fags.