[Brian Allgar]

Though “Mozart” denotes art, we don’t give a goat’s fart
For “Don Giovanni” or “Cosi Fan Tutte”;
They shove down our throats art that’s high as a stoat’s fart -
Just give us a sarnie, a soggy chip butty.

If somebody quotes art, we get on our coats; art
Is stuff for the nerdies, the birdies, the beardies.
This “too many notes” art is not-worth-two-groats art,
So nuts to your Verdis, and other such weirdies.

With drivel like Haydn’s, the culture gap widens,
And Schubert to you, Bert, is boring and wooden.
This muck they call music makes both me and you sick
(Though Parry - old Hubert - came up with a good ‘un).

To those who cry “Play us the great Amadeus”,
Or “Let’s have some Dvorak, some Bach, some Corelli”,
You’ll have to belay us, or flay us, or pay us
To swallow your score, Jack. Now, what’s on the telly?


(It's all lies, of course. I adore Mozart and the others, but I'd sell my grandmother for a good joke, and my sister for an ingenious rhyme.)