“Dear PM, you will not have heard from me for months. Apologies! (Please excuse my handwriting: I’m still trembling from swamp-fever; also, crushed beetle ink is hard to apply neatly with a broken twig). I’ll seal this leaf in a gourd, carved eye-catchingly with Union flag and smiley face, then float it downriver, hoping it may be fished out at some trading post or village to eventually reach you.
You (with millions of citizens) will know what stressful challenges and unbecoming spats I faced, which finally drove me to storm out of jungle camp– and, tragically, become lost. You’d rightly advised me against that ‘Celebrity’ lark; who knows if I shall now ever ‘get out of here’? Therefore I must resign. Best wishes to my former constituents and colleagues. My place in Parliament has surely already been filled, so may I congratulate the new incumbent: Wish you were here!”
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