[Rob Stuart]

Dear PM, following recent press revelations that I am a zombie with an insatiable hunger for human brains, I wish to save both the government and the party further embarrassment by resigning as a minister with immediate effect. I have always considered the fact that I am a terrifying reanimated corpse to be a private matter, but it seems the ladies and gentlemen of the fourth estate see fit to disagree. I don’t believe that I ever allowed my undead nature to interfere with my ministerial duties; never once did I tear the head off a visiting dignitary (well, okay, once) and I always ensured that the stench of my decaying flesh was masked by powerful deodorants. In many ways I consider my professional conduct to have been positively exemplary; just for the record I never claimed a penny of taxpayers’ money for my second grave in Westminster.

Dear Thingummy, regretfully I must inform you of my intention to stand down as a wotsit. I have recently been diagnosed with something or other that affects my memory and and vocabububulary. This often results in me losing the thread of whatever task I am involved with, repeating myself or simply repeating myself. I have also developed a tendency to repeat myself and to leave sentences half. As you can imagine, this is making the discharge of my ministerial whatchamacallits extremely thingy. Or at least, I imagine it is. I can’t really remember. This problem is further exacerbated by a tendency to repeat myself which I seem to have developed. So to summarise, I would be most grateful if you could allow Tom to sit out of PE this afternoon on account of his ingrown toenail.