[Rob Stuart]

If... by Kipling

If you can bear to sit through breakfast telly
Despite the fact its thoroughly inane,
If you can eat the nasty bits of jelly
They put inside pork pies and not complain,
If you can stand a mobile phone that plays a
Disturbing and abrasive bit of rap,
If you don’t want to take a cutthroat razor
To paintings that are manifestly crap,

And if you think a hat shaped like a panda
Is quite all right for adult winter wear,
And if you’re always happy to withstand a
Vacation courtesy of RyanAir,
And if you can abide a baby’s crying,
Or reckon doing hoovering is fun,
I couldn't really justify denying
That you’re a better man than me, my son.