Works for me. Rebecca's critique is indeed very fine. When I read I felt the turn in the change of pace in line 10, the way the verse suddenly slows down as the child lies in the grass, but I wouldn't argue that too strenuously.
The one thing that struck me as a flaw: "for mine" in line 6--does it mean "saved for mine from the Goodwill bag"? That feels a little forced, but maybe I am just not quite getting it.
Good one!
C
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