I admire the unusual themes here but it doesn't quite work for me and I'm having trouble putting my finger on why. Too forced? Too self-consciously baroque?
.......let mortal bane
be gulped, and waste be drink for bole and briar...
This part of the poem illustrates what bothers me...but I can't express exactly why. The sword-and-sorcery vocabulary?? The archaisms, like "babe" instead of "baby."
Yes, there's intentionally a fairy-tale feel, and I think there's always a place for exotic vocabulary, well-deployed; and I admire that this poem is trying something vivid and colourful--the opposite of the restraint of "Requited Love," as someone has pointed out. But. Not quite working.
Christine.
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