I had the same reaction as Catherine. I love the concept, but the details are not quite gripping me. I had a look last night when I was stupid-tired, and am having another now that my brain has kicked somewhat back into gear, but it's still not clicking.
It doesn't bother me that the Thistlewaite epigraph is false, since it's colorfully false.
The verb in "Let it go, let it all go" feels too weak and generic to start an incantation with (twice!). "Drip", maybe? That starts a slow trickle that speeds up with "swirl" in S3.
In addition to the historical issues already pointed out, the passive voice in S1-S2 isn't serving the poem. The point is that people did these horrible things. Yet the sentence structure tiptoes politely around the perpetrators to focus on the victims.
I love the sonics in S3. With "Let mortal bane/ be gulped", I find again that the passive voice is distancing or muting something that ought to be louder.
Officially stating the poem's morals weakens it: "nothing learned"; "marvel what man mars". Just give me the juxtaposed images, and I can work it out.
I do love the innocent flesh in the couplet.
This one's got great potential, but isn't quite there yet in terms of execution.
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