I like this one a lot. To take some slight issue with Maryann, I do find the final couplet a bit "forced." Alliteration is not itself a sign of "forcedness" (though one could question the identity rhyme hidden in "marvel / mars"), but the metrical roughness, combined with the omission of "at" ("marvel at") may indeed communicate a bit of an impression of forcedness. The line has seven strong stresses (HERE'S a NEW-WASHed BABE: MARvel what MAN MARS), laid out in a fairly irregular pattern. I'm no stickler for "correct" meter, and have probably written lines like this myself in the past, but I am not sure those variations are working for me here. I would prefer something more like,
Here, take this new-washed babe. Look what man mars--
The flesh so innocent it gleams like stars.
I was going to say that I think the simile not 100% apt, but having re-written it thus, I think maybe it's just the rhythm of L13 that overups the applecart for me.
C
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