[Rob Stuart]

Brian Sewell does the football results

Aldershot, 3. Dartford, 1. A tiresomely predictable result.

Braintree, a dreary little Essex town that no British painter worth his salt ever considered immortalising on canvas, an entirely unsurprising 0. Hereford, 1. Tedious beyond endurance.

Gateshead, a robust if typically northern 2. Grimsby, in keeping with its unusually apposite cognomen, 0.

Hyde, 3. Southport, though it pains me deeply to say it, 2. The referee, although to my mind he is quite unworthy of the title, was entirely wrong in disallowing the eximious goal from Southport striker Hattersley in the last minute of injury time. The man is an incompetent nincompoop, hopelessly in thrall to the panjandrums of the Football Association and their fashionable, politically-correct rules.

Tamworth, 0. Macclesfield, 0. Incredulity is the only reasonable response of the sane man to such an execrable score, even if he is working class.