[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4288
Set by Leonora Casement
We asked for the listed aims, rules and guidelines for a new society that has just been set up.

This week’s winners
Hon menshes to Gordon Gwilliams for the Royal Society for the Prevention of the Death of Queen Elizabeth II (“Aim: to keep her officially alive until Prince Charles is dead . . .”) and Lydia Shaxberd for the No-Such-Thing-As-Society Society (“This society does not exist. Therefore it has no rules. Any attempt to create rules will be reported to the committee. This society does not exist. Therefore it has no committee . . .”). The winners get £25 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Bob Thompson.

Friends of Gibraltar Society
The Friends exists to show that while we may categorically challenge the right of other states to occupy small chunks of another state’s territory, our own claim to a similar piece of land will be defended to the hilt. Membership is open to all who can provide evidence of lifelong patronage of Marks & Spencer and who believe unswervingly in the right of British citizens to a tax-friendly life in the sun, while untroubled by concerns of language, currency or logic. On passing a Barbary macaque monkey-care course, and on completing a minimum period of one week wearing clothing bearing the slogan “Proud to be British”, members can display the distinctive Two-Fingered- Salute badge on their windscreens.
Associate Membership may be granted under certain conditions to residents of Ceuta and Melilla.
Bob Thompson

Society for the Protection of Michael Gove
The society seeks to protect the Rt Hon Michael Gove from harsh and meaningless criticism; and to preserve his disconnection with the “real” world.
2. Members must at all times refrain from reference to the word “free” in “free schools”, lest an impression be given that other schools in the public sector are in any way restricted.
3. Members will kindly refer to public examinations as “O-levels and A-levels”, or failing that, “School Cert”. A number of collections of letters, used as acronyms or similar (eg, NVQ, GNVQ, IB, AS, “N (or Q) and F”, GCSE, TVEI, BTEC, RSA, TWYLREB and the like, are to be erased from public documents.
4. Members must pledge, by holding their right arm up, “Michael has no interest in becoming Prime Minister”.
5. Members must mention only these dates: 1066, 1215, 1588, 1649, 1815.
Bill Greenwell

Society for the Preservation of Melanie Phillips
Melanie Phillips is truly a one-off, a unique personality and steadfast polemicist self-described as “champion of the high moral ground”. Attacked for her integrity, slandered as “barking mad” by bigoted lefties, she is a threatened species.
She must not be allowed to become extinct. Spomp aims to secure her continued existence and prevent the death of civilisation as we know it.
Members will:
1. Place a regular order for the Daily Mail.
2. Read Melanie’s blog daily.
3. Beware the “enemy within” (Marxists, Islamists, feminists, gay-rights activists, etc).
4. Banish the Guardian and other subversive publications from the family home.
5.Celebrate 4 June, her birthday, as “Melanie’s Day”, with appropriate homage and readings of Melanie’s columns.
6. Support cryobiological research to ensure that she survives death.
Basil Ransome-Davies

New Statesman Established Readers’ Society
The sole aim of the Society is to make our united voice heard in the editorial offices of the New Statesman.
All members must have had:
1. Ten years’ consecutive subscriptions, interrupted only by at least two temporary terminations on points of principle.
2.At least four letters of complaint published in the past year (and at least 20 other unpublished complaints).
3. An entry in the NS Competition Top 20 in two of the past three years.
4. Members must be extreme pedants and be able to argue both sides of every cause, without spotting any inconsistency. For instance, members should join in a concerted attempt to abolish the misuse of “literally” and “hopefully” while praising the continuing evolution of the English language.
5. Fellowships will be awarded to those who can spot grammatical errors in the constitution.
Brian D Allingham

A couple of the winners' names are familiar, and a third provides a nice surprise. Bob Thompson, winner of this week's Tesco vouchers, is Carolyn Thomas-Coxhead.