A few suggestions: it appears from the Latin that the person described is Roger Manwood. I don't know where the John comes from. The "rigido" that is translated as "rough" is probably closer to "hardened." There is probably no way to get this into the translation, but I suspect that the vulture alluded to is one of the ones that punished Prometheus by tearing out his liver, not a scavenger feeding on the dead. "Wretched, hair-draped necks" sounds confusing and awkward in English. Women in mourning wore their hair loose, as opposed to up in a hairdo. Something like "Mourn, innocents, hair loose on your sad necks" might work. The "worn shores" of Acheron also is not very clear. I might suggest "wasted" or "barren" in place of "worn." There is only one messenger of Pluto, not multiple ones, but "ash" would sound better as "ashes." Maybe "with ashes of one whose face awed many thousands."
Susan
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