The last five lines are well done – they work as poetry and are an accurate reflection of Rilke’s meaning.
The rest of the translation has problems, I think.
As Roger says “my innate bent for gloom” has no equivalent in the original. And “immerse”, “ancient” and “undone” are all quite some way from anything Rilke says.
And personally I think a legend is a different thing from a myth. Rilke was keen on myth, but I think is what’s wanted here.
I don’t think I’d have been able to understand the middle pair of lines without the original to compare alongside them. “Raum” is a tremendously important concept in Rilke, and “capacity” doesn’t do it justice. He’s thinking of a creative void, a nothing out of which emerges everything. That needs to be conveyed somehow.
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