As others have mentioned, the awkwardness of the inversions, the inaccuracy and weakness of some of the translations, ("innate bent for gloom", "round", (which makes me think of a drink, or game, not life), "undone" for vanquished, etc.) do not do justice to the original. Indeed, the opening line seems almost humorous to me. I think a lot of the awkwardness and inaccuracy comes from being rhyme-driven -- a glaring example is, "rustle its crown".
I agree with Bob that the translation doesn't capture the music and lyricism of Rilke's poetry; indeed Bob's crib sounds far more poetic to me than does this translation. The last two lines are the best, as they do capture more of the flow and simplicity of the original. If the translator could start with those, and try to sustain that through the rest of the poem, it might be a keeper.
Last edited by Marion Shore; 10-09-2013 at 11:32 AM.
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