thieves rather than highwayman is not specific enough.
Alas, great virtue fled with him This line is not as clear as the crib's Alas, much virtue has departed with him, because great can also be taken to mean "noble" or the like, and this is the impression that I had when first seeing it in the context of the line.
To Acheron’s worn shores Again, a generic term for a more specific one has been inserted. The crib's to the unfruitful shores of Acheron tells us that the shores can not grow anything, thus they are "barren", a word that would have made a better choice.
For all his virtue, / Show mercy, jealous men for the crib's Because of his many virtues, Envy, spare this man alone. replaces the singular Envy with jealous men.
whose glances awed the mobs for whose countenance awed so many thousands of mortals, leaves thousands out for mobs. Too much of a change IMO.
Pluto’s bloodless messengers / Assault you for the bloodless messenger of Pluto wounds you., pluralizes messenger and substitutes assault for wound.
As you see, my only nits are semantic in nature, and not meant to be applied to the overall smooth job that you managed to pull off. Congrats.
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