French Operative Five, bienvenue.
When evening bells, with slow and weary peals,
sound the hour down hollows of the hills,
and you find no friend’s or lover’s company,
then think of me!
Drawing up short very well, to the pattern. This does not capture exactly the rhythm of the original, (I say “rhythm,” rather than “meter,”) which might in English best be done with something like: duh DA duh DA duh DA (/) duh DA duh DA duh DA but the form comes close enough and is effective. I would force a caesura as the author did in the opening line, which can be repeated in those subsequent lines resembling it, by adding an article before “hollows.” This is more likely to result in a reading: “SOUND the HOUR DOWN the HOLlows OF the HILLS,” and a rhythm truer to authorial intent. While I am here, let me suggest that if you want to accommodate more closely the feel of the French, you might re-hang the lines: “Whenever evening bells, with slow and weary peals / Sound the hour down the hollows of the hills…” Much of the majesty of the original comes in this stately tread, and while the translation is quite fine, it does lose a bit of its dignity by the quicker, stop-less cadence. I don’t say it is possible to maintain for every line – but here, it is so. Beautiful innovation in line three , accurate to the time period for an English version.
Because the evening bells will sing the score,
your solitary heart will speak once more,
and the air will shake you as the words ring free:
Yes. The line above and that original rhythm.
Love me! Love me!
But if the evening bells awaken fears,
then think of all the time between our tears
and find yourself, as you search your memory,
so near to me!
When evening bells, across the lonely space,
Why not maintain integrity here, with “across the absent space”? Lonely might be pushing this line toward bathos.
toll my rapt heart’s chimes, I see your face.
These staccato notes are deft, the line again bringing over the author’s fondness for caesura.
Ah, it is the song of heaven’s harmony
for you and me!
When evening bells, that wail with every breath,
Again, I counsel “Whenever evening bells, that wail with every breath.”
through an open window speak to you of death,
Authentic sonics in the above. An admirable line.
then dream of one who waits for you eternally,
and think of me!
A much too sentimental close to do justice to the author, and does a disservice to the translator, in light of the fine work which has preceded. I suggest something like:
“Then dream a soul nearby waits, tranquilly…”
The greater restraint better approximates the near-sublimity of the original conclusion, as well as condensing more of its content.
All in all, a masterful rendering. Exceptional talent on display.
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