Judge's comments
French Operative Six, bonjour.
There seems no good reason not to replace “agonies” with “agony” for a perfect rhyme, and a complete couplet. The conclusion of the first stanza is disappointing. What about something like, “Forgotten like this image/savior/old Christ who appalls”? The translation is not as clear (at that point) as the original, and this – at least on an intuitive level – might strengthen it rhetorically, with both emotion and sound (recalls/appalls).
I recommend staying with “The very beggar will not glance at this one,” instead of, “The beggar’s eyes will not gaze on this one.” The line: “One loved of poets for one laved in gold,” is ideal, however. The following line renders the combination sublime, fully doing justice to Breton.
“These feet are now bathed with a sewer’s fetid breath.” Comes completely incongruously, as far as comparative scansion. Dommage, as the French say – because it is a phrasal wonder. Re-order, for more sureness (and I think it could stand to lose “fetid,” since the sewer shows, without needing to tell: ) “Christ’s feet are bathed now with a sewer’s breath.” Again, “What was your crime? To spread God’s love around!” falls out of tone, teetering dangerously on the precipice of jingoism. Better to stay with the restrained, “You whose crime was spreading love around,” as Breton said.
That is a sharp cut, I realize, but overall, I find this piece excellent, and indeed, may even prefer your close to Breton’s more surreal finish.
DG
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