I think this translation is quite good, and I disagree with the DG that it would be improved by switching from pentameter to hexameter. It is a short step from stately to soporific. Unfortunately, I find the pentameter a bit ambiguous in S4L3 and a flat-out hexameter in S5L3. I don't mind the occasional anapest, which adds a pleasing lilt, but if the reader finds the meter inconsistent, it usually feels like a mistake.
It occurs to me that if S1L4 were slightly rearranged to read "think then of me" it might put the emphasis on the "then," suggesting "that is the time to think of me." One possible suggestion for the end: "Dream that one soul still lingers loyally/and think of me."
Susan
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