Judge's comments
“By the shores of Gitche Gumee,
By the shining Big-Sea-Water…”
German Operative 10, wilkommen.
Smooth. Impeccable use of form. The flow is seamless, but “sun’s bright radiance flashes” might be a bit much, coming on too strong, as it were, at the outset. Heine was no Shelley, after all, and your phrasing is working against the mood of the piece, insofar as it sensationalizes what is an image of placidity in the original. I like “sequined.” “Jewelled” might be even better, particularly as the resourceful “emerald” follows. I like “mending canvas” standing in for the sail-patching. Again, “strikes” is too much tarting-up of the text which works against the mood. Rather than the twitch “striking” his mouth, how about, “rings his opened mouth…” more closely reflecting Heine’s “are around.” The poem sails from there.
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Last edited by Jennifer Reeser; 10-12-2013 at 06:20 AM.
Reason: signature, sp. correction
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