I'm with Seree and Skip: the exclusion of Father and Mother alters the tone of the piece, particularly with the use of the unsupported "my," S2/L2.
Given the departure from a serious attempt at rhyme, I don't think the vague slant justifies "yourself" for the original "alone," S1/L4. The translator might also consider "in daylight and at night" for S2/L4, which would be truer to the original.
Sweet, musical, a fine effort.
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