My thanks to all who provided me with some clear direction for revision with your comments and suggestions. It was a thrill to be included among the finalists, and a bonus to receive some scoring points. Thank you Brian and Katherine.
Now, a word or two in response to some of the comments.
"Kipper" was a mistake, which, in revision, has become "fishie," a closer reflection, I think, of the original. I did consider "skippy," which in this part of the world is jargon for "skipjack," but it was too localised and may have been confusing to those familiar with the '70's Oz TV icon, "Skippy the bush kangaroo." Couldn't have that.
In response to Ann and Martin, in choosing "Blaggard" I was influenced by three factors: The Captain's heavy-handed manner (raging, cursing, scolding) suggests a bullying, abrasive tone rather than playful. Along with that, it seemed apt to choose a slightly archaic term fitting to the era (early 19th cent.), hence blaggard over the more common blackguard. Third factor: alliterative value. The emphatic "b" features through the middle verses. I don't think it was an accident on Heine's part. However, I have revised to “scoundrel” which also has alliterative value.
In preparation, I was, in fact, struck by Heine's considerable use of alliteration in the original, particularly with the sibilants which are a strong feature throughout. I've tried to reflect that in some of the word choices I've used, such as the questionable "saucy," which, in revision, has become "savvy."
Martin further questions the variation on translating the title. In approaching Heine in translation, I've tried to analyse his intent and reflect it in the word choices. In this case, it seemed to me that the calmness of the sea is significant beyond the contrast with the enraged Captain, and a simple “Dover Beach” repose. In its first use, Meeresstille signifies the effect of a becalmed vessel on the crew dependent on wind for their progress to port. This is suggested in the prone position of a helmsman rendered redundant by the conditions, the stultifying task of the ship’s boy, the wrath of the Captain venting his frustration on the boy. In its second use, it signifies the deceptive nature of the calm environment, the illusion shattered by the swift end of the fish as nature reveals its violent underbelly. The calm sea is a deception; it has its downside. I’ve tried to convey those significations in the separate instances of the word. However, I take your point and the revision leaves it to the reader to make those assessments.
Janice suggests “tiller” for “Steuer.” While it would take care of the pesky “there,” Janice, a tiller is usually associated with a small boat, describing a lever directly connected to the rudder. From the context, both immediate and through the broader “The North Sea” segment, it’s clear that the vessel is a sailing ship with a crew and passengers, which would be controlled by a helm or wheel. I’ve revised with “wheelhouse.”
I’m unsure whether the revision should be posted here for further comment, or in Translation. Given the length of this response, though, I’ll play safe and post it on Translation.
Thanks again to all.
Peter
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