[Graham King]

There was an acrostic here which I realized belatedly being simply a grim list, not amusing, did not meet the brief (must read those properly before writing!) I don't know how to (or if I can) edit a title once posted. The title would be 'I Floss my Nostrils Daily'. It's one I submitted for Speccie 2797, a comp which I think was called 'do your worst':

I floss my nostrils daily with a toothpick and some thread
I’ve spun from a year’s saved-up navel lint;
I keep a Christmas bauble in that socket in my head
My lost glass eye filled: My, but it does glint!
I shave with a veg-peeler then I peel veg with the same-
For two such tools would be a shame and waste.
I wear the clothes I sleep in, which I salvaged from a skip.
I eat raw silt; it has an earthy taste.
I never use a lighter – shove my ciggies in the fire
Held between my toes: it makes my tootsies brown
While igniting the nicotine (I often smoke a pair
At once so as to keep the effort down.)
I leave cats in my dentist’s waiting room to run about
(Boy, you should hear folks shriek at all their play!)
Then trundle home in someone else’s car I’ve just picked out;
All this outlines my average fun-filled day.