It's much better with the corrected spacing, and I agree with Ann there there are gaps that one instinctively tries to feel and fill now, narrative lacunae that emerge from the broken rhythm of the corrected visual presentation. And that seems reflected in the need to know with which the poem ends. I think the effect of the somewhat colorless language is the whole point, even though it is a bit off-putting at first. It is a great lesson in visual choreography that this revised presentation can change the poem so much. I think it demonstrates a very sophisticated use of a tool that many poets don't even begin to utilize, because they denigrate it as mere trickery. It seems the opposite of gimmickry here, a solid technique, well-handled.
Nemo
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