This poem has some great things going for it. I think L10-L14 are nearly flawless.
I think a lot of the detail is extraneous though, and wonder if not in poetic poem, would read something like
That last year of the fifties, the doctor missed
me waiting there behind you. When he pressed
the stethoscope,
he dismissed
the second heart, my weaker beat, as just
a bouncing off, an echo trailing yours.
My sister Ann, defined and certain,
has always known which way her life was bound;
while I, a hesitation, then a sound
that never seems to finish or begin,
forever pause to check myself, to question,
that second beat still waiting to be found.
Something like that. I agree with the comment about the twin not needing to be named. She doesn't feel she needs to. Also in reference to naming the other one, I don't think it detracts or distracts too much. It could definitely be symbolic as someone else suggested, and I think it also gives a sense of identity to the twin who has a name. It might not be important if we knew the identity of the writer. I think it is a good choice though, if a made up one.
|