[Skip Dewahl]

Some problematic lines are

Compels with music my ear follows; (Sounds halting)

The spit of steel-created cogs (Well, obviously if the cogs are of steel, they are of steel; no need to fill in with "created". Better to have worked in something like "remating" or some such.)

'Tis I who's her memory's trustee, (Wrong verb; the line should read: " 'Tis I am her memory's trustee", which would flow even more naturally.)

Although you seem to have followed the meter to exactitude with "None hears the hours quickly scoot.", you would have been better off in bringing it to metrical agreement with "I choose when the tomcat goes mute;" It's fine to be slavish to a poem, but not when the original has a line off kilter. No need to mimic bad lines.

Most have taken issue with the final stanza, but I think, despite some need for a little embellishment, it flows nicely, largely preserves the meaning and meter, and the inversions don't bother me. Oh, and "barbed evasions", is exactly what the author had in mind, as he pictures the elder sister passing by Cinderella, making a nasty remark, and then walking away as though her stepsister were unworthy to be heard. So, not bad, if a bit too faithful to the metrics.