[Rob Stuart]

My wife made me that. It’s my birthday today.
Oh I know, she’s a wonderful girl.
She’d blow all them judges on Bake Off away
Would my beautiful, talented Shirl.

I can’t wait to taste it. I love how she’s done
Me initials in cherries. This cake
Is just what I wanted. I can’t give you none
I’m afraid. That would be a mistake.

She’d kill me. I never know how, but I swear
When I’m lying my missus can tell.
She don’t ever make me no presents to share,
So I’d best take it back to me cell.

And later, by light of my lighter, a slice
Off the end will reveal there’s a pile
Of currants inside, and a touch of mixed spice...
And the end of a bloody great file.