[Nigel Mace]

Oh dear, John, I don't think that Gilbert would have been quite as splenetic as you suggest. His own original contained the rhyme word "parabulous" which, though it sounds like a real (but inapplicable) term has nothing to do with the sense of the line. As for the clunking "sat a gee" line ending, that has always stood out amidst all the rest of the splendid word play as a bit wince-making.

Duncan seems to have more forgiving standards - so I'll risk posting my 'take' here (which I think this merry forum allows). No apologies for the length - that was of Gilbert's making - though, of course, John you are allowed to dislike the matter and its manner too.

“MY NUCLEAR DETERRENT SUBS”

I’ve found the very place to berth my nuclear deterrent subs,
As far away from Whitehall and its gentlemanly private clubs,
Not hidden past their potted palms, but shrouded near some Spanish shrubs,
When safely in Gibraltar they can hide among the tourist tubs.
I couldn’t leave them in the Thames or close to London’s airport hubs,
And now the Scots won’t have ‘em, I can’t put up with the South East’s blubs,
For if you’ve bought a Trident you may find that it’s quite hard to fit –
(searches for a rhyme) - hard to fit…
It in with any mug, whose had to shell out for your deficit.
(Chorus)
It in with any mug, whose had to shell out for your deficit.
It in with any mug, whose had to shell out for your deficit.
It in with any mug, whose had to shell out for your defi, deficit.

I’m confident of voters and of parliament’ry calculus
And never let the public or back-benchers near the likes of us
For, far away from Whitehall and its gentlemanly private clubs,
I’ve found the very place to berth my nuclear deterrent subs.
(Chorus)
For, far away from Whitehall and its gentlemanly private clubs,
He’s found the very place to berth his nuclear deterrent subs.

I know our mythic history from Churchill to the Thatcherists,
From Super-Mac to Blair and Straw, the least of the Atlanticists;
They swooned before the Kennedys, and fell for Reagan’s publicists,
Then thought that Bush’s missiles promised power to all onanists.
We seized the silver cylinders, according to our analysts,
And guessed they’d give us potency, like any drooling fantasists,
But when it came to storing ‘em, we reckoned as we’d tried before
(searches for a rhyme) – tried before…
We’d stick ‘em in Scots bunkers like a golfer who has cried a “Fore!”
(Chorus)
We’d stick ‘em in Scots bunkers like a golfer who has cried a “Fore!”
We’d stick ‘em in Scots bunkers like a golfer who has cried a “Fore!”
We’d stick ‘em in Scots bunkers like a golfer who has cried a, cried a “Fore!”

We promised all the locals they’d be given jobs and cash and things
But they fell for a Sturgeon who had promised that she’d clip our wings
So, far away from Whitehall and its gentlemanly private clubs,
I’ve found the very place to berth my nuclear deterrent subs.
(Chorus)
So, far away from Whitehall and its gentlemanly private clubs,
He’s found the very place to berth his nuclear deterrent subs.

If ever I can understand the meaning of democracy,
Or separate my interests from those of the plutocracy,
Or understand that peoples may prefer to rule themselves for once,
And generally show myself to be more than a total dunce -
Then maybe I might realise that nuclear weapons are a plague
Of criminal intentions fit to be arraigned before the Hague
In short when I’ve a smattering of element’ry politics
(searches for a rhyme) – politics…
Then maybe I’ll be fit to be in charge among the lunatics.
(Chorus)
Then maybe he’ll be fit to be in charge among the lunatics.
Then maybe he’ll be fit to be in charge among the lunatics.
Then maybe he’ll be fit to be in charge among the luna, lunatics.

But meanwhile I’ve a role to play, pretending we can still have sway
And chuck our weight about the world, as though in Queen Victoria’s day
For, far away from Whitehall and its gentlemanly private clubs,
I’ve found that Gib’s the place to berth my nuclear deterrent subs.
(Chorus)
For, far away from Whitehall and its gentlemanly private clubs,
He’s found that Gib’s the place to berth his nuclear deterrent subs.