One for Kipling lovers...
Stiff
If you can give good head when all about you
Are spitting hairs and blaming shit on you;
If you can suck yourself when all men want to,
So make a members list for them to add to;
If you masturbate and don’t tire elating,
Or, being lain upon, don't feign surprise,
Or, being plated, don't get bored while waiting,
And yet don't like dry crud, nor red-rubbed thighs;
If you wet dream - but don’t in dreams come faster;
If you can shoot - and still improve your aim;
If you can box with Pollux or with Castor
And fuck the two Dioscuri the same;
If you can bear to smell the fart all choke on
Twisted by bowels to make them bray like mules,
Or watch the films where natural law is broken,
And stoop and check 'em out your worn-out tools;
If you can make it cheap for better sinning
Then risk it on one trick with cart-and-hoss,
And lose, and get sent down for your deep grinning
And never breath a word about old Floss;
If you can stuff her hide with meaty sinew
To serve your needs long after she has none,
And so hold on when the devil’s in you
And have the thrill to shout to her: "Geron-";
If you can pork with flocks until it hurts you,
Or poke with queens - and lap the common slut;
If neither hives nor syphillis can hurt you;
If all flesh counts with you, whether man or mutt;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of spermed Niagra -
Yours is the girth and everything that's round it,
And - what is more - you'll need Viagra!
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