A timely and amusing piece, Matt.
I think you need an apostrophe in the phrase Ladies' room.
The article seems to be missing in this line:
xxthat 'Tracy' was not a man’s name
When I read it, the ending wasn't clear to me - I thought it might have been his daughter who beat him up. So even if it is less subtle, I think I prefer the downright absurdity of:
xxSo he beat himself up to defend her
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