Thanks to everyone for their responses.
Aaron, I was glad this sort of storytelling through images appealed to you.
Cathy, you are right about the overly similar vowel sounds in the rhymes of the second quatrain. I was uncomfortable with the sonics of those rhymes, but liked the way they worked with the content so much that I decided to keep them anyway. I felt pretty much the same about "shoving sideshow." But I did pick "seems good" for the last line because it sounded like the kind of wording a child would use, and those thoughts are meant to be in the voice of Peter Pan.
Charlie, I am complimented that you thought the poem sounded like Whitworth. I did pay close attention to the patterns of sound in it.
Mary, I think someone who plays music for his own amusement is doing something rather different from a paid musician, though you are right that the main contrast was with the audience at the concert. I didn't really associate Peter Pan with playing a pipe, but as I say, I never read the book. I knew the character from the musical and various movies.
Woody, thanks for the images of the statue.
Gregory, thanks for noticing the falling tone of the last line. I meant it to convey exactly that kind of mental turning away from the scene.
Julie, I am glad that the rhymes in the second quatrain seemed justified to you, since I couldn't find any good substitute for them. I guess the dullness of the overly close sounds does reflect the dullness of the scene they describe.
Roger, the antics of the adults in Kirriemuir were quite off-putting to me when I was there. But they made such a memorable impression that they got me thinking about how Barrie felt about the town he was from and why he himself seems to have found growing up to be unappealing.
Simon, I originally had "appeals" instead of "seems good" in the last line, but it didn't sound like the wording of a child. It is true that the statue was not even facing toward Glamis, but I thought that if I made the statue sentient, why not also give it Peter Pan's ability to fly, at least in thought?
Martin, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Mary, I'm flattered that you thought I might be Ann, and glad you thought the last lines fit the voice of a boy.
Orwn, I thought about saying "small green boy," but didn't think that that would make it clear enough that I was referring to a statue.
Michael C., I am glad you liked the satire of the concertgoers.
Gail, I had never heard of the ballad, but I looked it up, and "bawdy" is an understatement. I'm glad you liked the sestet.
Kyle, I'm sorry the contrast seemed predictable to you. I'm not sure how to make it otherwise.
Robin, you caught me in my ignorance of the British pronunciation of "Proms." I did not bother to look it up, and should have. It will just have to stand as a slant rhyme, because I can't think of a good substitute. I don't think a headless iamb at the start of the line causes too much confusion.
David, I think I may use some of your suggestion about the ending of the second quatrain. I think the rhythm becomes too predictable in the last two lines of it.
Mark, I am glad you felt it worked.
Michael F., I wonder if Barrie didn't just wish he could remain a child forever. Does that have to include disliking adults?
Jennifer, I think I like more variation in my meter than you do, but none of the variations I have used are unusual.
Susan
|