Were I the one sending the letter, I would probably skip the lecture about the sonnet form and the normal conventions of type-setting, etc., which is the sort of thing likely to result in alienation/ill will. I'd just say, directly, that the form in which the poem appears in the proofs does not respect the integrity of the poem, and then send them instructions for resetting it ("if a line break must be added to fit the poem on the page, ..."). I'd also send an example so they can see what you expect it to look like. And then ask to see a second set of proofs.
I don't know whether that's "correct" or "best" or whatever. But it's how I'd go about it, in a similar situation.
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