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Old 09-11-2018, 04:15 PM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Hi A. Sterling,
Welcome to the ‘sphere and thank you for reading and commenting. I have adopted your suggestion and gone with my alternate ending for S1.

“September” is there just for the rhyme; I am playing with an alternative:

And lazy clouds like
........caravels sail across
varied skies and lands
........with various laments.
Courage weighs and waits,
........weighs, above the abyss,
memories of those
........who remember mere remnants.


or perhaps fragments instead of remnants.

“vlasti” does mean “homelands”, but I think the emphasis here is on “přerozličných”, that is “various”, so I don’t think that I am doing violence to the meaning by using simply “lands”.

Don,
Thank you for reading and commenting. As I said above, I have adopted your suggestion and gone with my alternate ending for S1. What do you think of my new idea for S2?

“Carrying one’s skin to the market” is an expression in Czech and in German, actually, and “risking one’s neck” is a pretty good translation, so even though the original is striking, it would be too opaque to translate literally.

The last line of the refrain is a tough nut to crack, being constrained by rhyme (with “snow”) and rhythm. Kryl pauses after the second syllable, so I cannot use “don’t even”:
- vlastně - do těch vlastních.
don’t want - even - to know.

I am hoping that when it is sung it is OK. Further thoughts would be most welcome.
Edited in:
about our own, we
even don't want to know.

works as far as the music goes, but is even worse in terms of syntax; I'll keep thinking!

Thank you again both for reading and for your helpful comments; I hope that you have something to say about my proposed S2.

Martin

p.s. Another idea, with a more slanted rhyme but closer to the original meaning, is:

And lazy clouds like
........caravels sail across
the various skies
........above various lands.
Courage weighs and waits,
........weighs, above the abyss,
memories of those
........who remember mere remnants.


or yet another variant:

the different skies
........of different homelands.


Thank you in advance for any comments.
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