Thread: Saturdays
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Old 09-12-2018, 12:55 PM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is offline
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,637


This is nicely wrought; as foxily as ever. I doubt not but that you are very adept at withholding details and identifiers so as to bestow mystery. I have no reservation to offer you for this poem, apart from the one which is this: I am afraid that what enabled me to decipher the subject comes courtesy, not of the poem itself, but rather the advantage of knowing you on Eratosphere. I would not be able to have done were I not privy to the fact that your father had passed away, were I not familiar with the fact that you have taken the man up recurrently in other works I have read on here, and the like. It makes for a notch too oh so coy or short on detail, for my part. It is withholding in the extreme to the point that the artfulness of it draws attention to itself.

As the Spartan form leaves many spaces white, so the content many matters blank. It may remain so, yet allow for some hint that the father is the subject; then it would be elliptical yet not unfriendly to those who know nothing of you outside the poem and have but the poem to go off. I enjoyed reading this much; more so when once I unriddled the subject at hand.

[Edited-in: I forgot to mention, I have no idea what the devil you mean by I can't shake the feeling / I've something to prove, how proving has to do with anything or how it fits outside of rhyming with groove. Dare I say, it sounds too convenient for this reason. Perhaps if I understood what I just mentioned I would be satisfied that it does indeed live up to the rest.]



Last edited by Erik Olson; 09-12-2018 at 08:52 PM.
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