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Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi
I prefer “Make noise” to “Flap on” because the phrase is noisier and bolder, more evocative (for me anyway) of the physical presence of the sail.
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“Make noise” is too unlovely to my ear. I suppose it could be “Sound on” or “Sound, sound,” but I still think the most natural word to describe the sound as well as motion of a blowing sail is “flap.”
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi
For the conspicuous redundancy in “misery and gloom” in line 27, and since you are playing up the vegetation-seasonal metaphor (with “bloom” and “withered”), would something like “my heart to wintry frigidness and gloom” work?
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That’s certainly a pretty alternative, and I’ll make a note of it for possible future use. Thanks!
One more question for you. What do you think about changing L23 to:
where tender muses slipped me smiles in passing,
“Tender” is there in the original. I don’t think it was a great loss, but “slipped”—a recent addition—would seem to cover “secret,” so I’m thinking I should restore “tender.”
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi
And yes, Pushkin in terza rima would be fun. Send it along!
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Will do, but I’ll have to reconstitute the crib, which I didn’t save.