Hi, Ralph, the play in the rhyme words of the first provides some interest, but not enough to make this fully satisfying for me—especially since you’ve taken liberties with the “repleted” neologism.
The second one repeats a theme you’ve already addressed two times before, and in a poem this short, the imperfect meter of L3 feels fatal. Again, there feels just not quite enough here—the language is pretty utilitarian, the rhymes basic; the internal rhyme in L4 feels overdone, and there’s no other special distinguishing feature here. The poem is relying almost entirely on its paradox to sustain it. I would look to haikus by some of the masters for inspiration on how to pack a lot of layered value into a small space.
Last edited by Alexandra Baez; 12-15-2023 at 10:01 AM.
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