That's quite a dream! Susan, your piece works well for me, except that L1's enjambed "in" felt awkward to my ear. Throughout, great clarity, childlike simplicity, and appropriately, a songlike quality. I'm reminded of
Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie
When the pie was opened
The birds began to sing
Wasn't that a dainty dish
To set before a king?
But of course, yours gently adds layers of sophistication. I love your last two lines.
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